


I'll turn off the lights

by fakeashly



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Drug Addiction, Lots of Angst, M/M, Murder, Prison, Super major character death, this is not a nice story guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 16:41:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 6,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28480323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakeashly/pseuds/fakeashly
Summary: Sometimes you think you’ve hit the bottom rock, and then something amazing happens, it changes you for good, and forever , but nothing will always stay the same, but we all know when everything comes crashing down, love is the key to survival
Relationships: Castiel/Dean, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

“Sirens could be heard louder each second, people were whispering, a baby’s crying could be heard, and everywhere was red.”

Unlike everybody’s predictions, fall had started with a heavy rain. Despite it was early morning, the gloomy weather could be felt everywhere and the sound of pouring rain broke every silence.  
Dean opens his eyes the moment he could hear the first shout. Like every other morning, he lingers in his bed, staring at the ceiling with his mind empty, waiting for his nightmares to disappear from his sight. He could easily neglect the guards that kept yelling to wake up everyone. After he was done with his morning treatment he got up eyeing every other people who were cursing hell and heaven for being alive one more day.  
He always laughed. Praying that would make them feel any better. He takes his steps to Benny who had become his only friend since he got there. It wasn’t long since he was brought there and he wasn’t planning to stay for a long time, so one friend would be enough. Dean robs his eyes to get rid of the blurry sight, shaking his head in politeness to anyone he saw.  
-good morning brother  
-good morning  
Dean answers with a smile, following Benny’s maneuvers with his eyes as he cleaned his bed. He had forgot to make his but wasn’t going to get back there. What’s even the point of making your bed when you’re going to go back there in a few hours?  
They take their steps to the kitchen and after grabbing their breakfasts, they sit at their usual spot, eating it in silence and sometimes laughing at the grumpy old men and their morning trash talks.  
By the time they were finished they go to the yard for a short walk. It was cold outside and it just stopped to rain and waterholes had covered the ground.  
Dean raises his head, looking at the dark clouds, his lips stretch to a smile. They were too cute to be this dismal. His smile fades away. The blue sky wasn’t blue anymore, it seemed lost, and empty. It was too beautiful to look this melancholic. But everything has it’s own demon, even the pure blue of sky.  
-Sam’s coming today?  
-and he’s bringing Jack too  
-any words from your man yet?  
Dean shakes his head in disagreement, letting out a sharp breath. Suddenly he could feel the coldness of the silver metal on his left finger with all his cells, like a warning, something that reminded him of reality.  
He brushes the tip of his thumb on the ring, moving it a bit. It has got a bit loos lately since he wasn’t eating much lately. He wasn’t surprised though. The cold weather was not cold anymore. He got too numb to feel things.  
When the meeting time came, Dean was early at the place. Sitting behind a chair in a room full of no one. The moment he sees his son he stands up, rushing towards him. Without saying anything to his brother he takes Jack out of Sam’s embrace and hugs him. It was the first time he got to see him in months, and Dean couldn’t be happier.  
-hey buddy  
Dean’s eyes meet the scar on Jack’s forehead. He swallows his smile, staring at it. He leans his head close, putting his lips on the scar, kissing it long and gentle.  
He puts Jack down, handing him his iPad with a big smile on his face.  
-how you’re doing?  
-fine  
Dean didn’t feel like talking. Although it was his brother sitting in front of him but he was there at his lawyer, which Dean hated it.  
-your trail is in a month  
Dean felt breathless for a moment. It didn’t matter how much he was trying to ignore it, it was coming after him.  
-how’s Cas?  
Sam squeezes his eyes. Dean leans a bit closer , waiting for him to answer.  
-h..he’s fine  
Sam drops his head, exhaling heavily. Dean smiles, leaning back again.  
-he’s still on silence treatment term right? Asshole  
He laughs, tilting his head down a bit, his eyes on Jack. As each day passed the kid looked more like his dad. He had his eye, lips, skin tone, and soon, his attitude. He hopped so.  
-Dean you should talk about it  
-I’ve done nothing to talk about it, and you’re gonna get me out of here soon I’ve got a husband and a kid waiting for me  
Sam remains silent. Dean shakes his right leg stressfully, biting his bottom lip. He had done nothing wrong, he made a promise to Cas, and he’s not going to break it.  
Sam and Jack left after the meeting time was up. Dean was still sitting there, staring at unparticular corner. It was getting colder and he didn’t have the strength to stand up. The chill was piercing through his body, and all he could see was red.  
*  
-Honey I’m home  
Cas says loudly as he slams the door shut behind him. When he doesn’t get any answers he circulates his eyes around the house. Dean appears in the hall after a couple of minutes, giving Cas a big smile. They lean in for a semi-short kiss. Cas grabs the back of Dean’s neck with his fingers, squashing it a bit. When they step back, Cas looks in depth of Dean’s eyes. Those greens were surrounded by the red arterioles. He frowns, looking more seriously at him.  
-where’s Jack?  
-J..Jess came and took him to playground  
Dean swallows hard. His eye never leaving Cas’. He could hear his heart beat out loud and he was so sure Cas could too.  
-you do know you can’t lie to me don’t you?  
-I do  
-why are your eyes red Dean?  
-I..I was..I was..on..d..drugs  
-and where is Jack?  
-I..called Jess..and told her to take him out  
-why?  
-cause..I was..h..high  
Dean’s throat was dry, so as his lips. He answers the questions with a low, rumbly voice. His eyes captured by Cas’ gaze. He licks his lips, his mind lost in the moment. Cas didn’t seem angry, but from where Dean was standing he could see the disappointment in his eyes.  
His lashes fell down as he feels the warmth of Cas’ lips on his forehead, giving him a long lingering kiss. Dean smiles, leaning into the touch. Cas puts his other hand on Dean’s wrist, pulling him closer, their chests were touching.  
-we’ve been down this road before we can do it again. But you have to promise me Dean that you’re going to fight this ok?  
Dean shakes his head in agreement, putting his lips on Cas’ and kissing him hungrily. He could feel the drugs in his veins, but his real addiction was in front of him, Cas was the drug, he has always been.  
-you don’t think you can give me this sexy speech without fucking me do you?  
Dean whispers naughtily, his eyes still on Cas’ lips. Cas laughs, brushing his tongue on Dean’s upper lip.  
-you know I’m not going to go easy on you right? You’ve crossed a boundary  
-do I look like I have a problem?  
They both laugh, Cas pulls Dean as close as possible, kissing him sloppy on their way to their bedroom, now that Jack wasn’t home, they could have some time to themselves.


	2. Chapter 2

“Sirens could be heard louder each second, people were whispering, a baby’s crying could be heard, and everywhere was red. Lifeless bodies were reclining on the ground, the last thing he could remember was two oceans draining in front of his eyes.”

Benny was in a solitary cell for getting into a fight the previous day, so Dean was all alone by himself. He spent some time wandering around the place to get to know the atmosphere better. He wasn’t that hungry so skipping the morning meal was the first thing that came up to his mind.  
Some guy named Garth who had the bed next to Dean’s bids him to play cards with him and the other guys who were gathered in the other side of hallway. Due to he didn’t have anything else to do, he accepts the request willingly and appoints to join them. He couldn’t stand a whole day with his sight covered in red fresh blood.  
Since they didn’t have money there, bets were mainly on cigarettes. Dean wasn’t that good in poker. Not that it was baffling. He just didn’t feel the need to know more that he already did about it. But still, he managed to win some rounds.  
Dean was tempted by the crowd to spend more time with them because they said he seemed like a cool guy. The good thing about having people around you is that you get lost in all the chitchats and you forget who you are, which Dean was grateful for it. Not that he ever forgot about those ocean eyes, or the warmth of the embrace, or the soothe tone of the voice, but he wasn’t lost in them, even if it was just for a few minutes.  
Sam was early this time. Dean sits in front of him, with a cigarette lightened up between his lips, waiting for his brother to talk.  
-didn’t know you smoke  
\- you don’t know a dicky bird about me  
Sam drops his head, Dean was glaring at him with a smirk.  
-so what you’re here to tell me when I’m biting the dust?  
-if you don’t abide anything I tell you deliberately, I can tell pretty soon  
-bold of you to assume I have a problem with that  
Sam looks at him with shocked eyes. Dean steers clear of any eye contact with him. He didn’t mean to freak him out but his truth was revealed, he didn’t want to be saved.  
-I’m not trying to logic you, or lecture about what an idiot you are. But if you really don’t want to get away with this, it’s fine, that’s your problem. But think about Jack. He still needs you.  
Dean watched Sam as he leaves. He follows the officer back to his cell. Sam wouldn’t understand him. No one would honestly. He was homesick, and he wanted to go home.  
Benny was released at late night. He still had some scars and apparently his black eye wasn’t going to be healed anytime soon. He goes to bed early, so Dean doesn’t find much time to talk to him.  
Dean lounges on his bed, eyes stuck to the ceiling as usual. His thumb stroking on his ring. His lips separates to a boarder smile. He closes his eyes, sucking in the air around him and letting it out with a loud voice.  
“Dear Cas  
Call me a princess but I really miss your face. You know what? I’m like a crow on a wire, and you’re the shinning distractions that makes me fly every time. I know you miss me too. After all these years you still suck at verbalizing your feelings, but I know you. I know you better than I know myself. And I know why I’m gone on you. God imagine having the blessing to be a goner for you. It’s not just because you rescued me from my demons, or because how devastatingly handsome you are. You’re the light of my life, you’re the fire of my loins, I’m still gonna wake you up at 3am, asking you why aren’t all the butterflies the same, or why you didn’t answered your phone 3years ago when you were on a business trip. And you’ll wait for my stupid ass to stop, and then with all the patience that I know of you, you’ll respond to all of them, try to justify me, and then, the dark sky wasn’t intimidating anymore, cause I know you’ve got me, and I love you for that, I’ll always love you.”  
*  
It was almost 4am when Dean got home, when he enters the hall, he could see all the blue and green balloons that were hanging in a funny way from the wall. Floor was covered in celebrating papers and some unboxed gifts were on the table.  
He freezes in his place when he sees the “happy birthday Jack” sign above the sofa. Exhaling grisly, he rushes to their bedroom. Cas and Jack were sleeping peacefully. Dean stays at the door frame, staring at them as his tears where falling down. Cas was still in his party clothes. Classic jeans and white shirt which the top two bottoms were undone.  
Dean steps closer, sitting on the edge of the bed, behind Cas. He wasn’t completely sober yet, and he know he smelt narcotics and alcohols. He leans down, blowing a soft kiss on Cas’ cheek. Cas stirs, opening his eyes after squeezing it. He spins his head and sees Dean next to him. He remains silent, and without a word he stands up, stretching his arms as he walked away out of the room. Dean follows him, like Cas was running away.  
-Cas  
After he could say anything else, Cas raises his hand to stop him. Dean turns his gaze between Cas’ face and hand.  
-we’ll talk tomorrow, you can have the bed  
He leaves to bathroom without hesitation. Dean spends several minutes there, staring at the place Cas had vanished, sobbing quietly. He whirls back to bed, laying on it without wiping his tears. He bends his knees into his stomach as he watched Jack’s chest went up and down when breathed. It was one of the most pleasant things Dean had ever seen.  
-happy birthday buddy  
He says with a quaky voice. Jack’s lashes had made a shadow on his cheeks, which made him more adorable.  
Dean closes his eyes, his chest burning out of pain. The sound of pouring water in shower was the only thing who broke the brutal silence. He closes his eyes, trying to sleep, as he prayed to lord for himself to keep.


	3. Chapter 3

“Sirens could be heard louder each second, people were whispering, a baby’s crying could be heard, and everywhere was red. Lifeless bodies were reclining on the ground, the last thing he could remember was two oceans draining in front of his eyes, and he was too worn out to save them. He was kneeling on the ground, eyes shut, his mind covered in a blank hole.”

Despite it hadn’t been raining in two days, the fidgeting weather was still out there. Most of the convicts preferred to stay inside, playing cards or fighting each other for no particular reasons.  
Dean introduced Benny to the poker group and they had already made close friends. They spent half of the day sitting there and enjoying the little fun they could have. After they were finished, they decided to stay a bit long for the after talk. One of the man there who appeared to be in charge of the main group, slants a bit close to Dean, pointing to his ring with his brows.  
-you’ve got a girl back home waiting for ya?  
Dean stalls a bit, trying to find the adequate words for his answer.  
-actually..it’s..a..he  
He drops his head and there was a unanimous silence there for a moment. Then, the man pats Dean’s back with a warming smile.  
-gotta be honest with you son we’re all a bit homo inside aren’t we boys?  
The crowd bursts into a consentient laugh. Dean accompanies them with a grin, his eyes never leaving his ring.  
-how long have you been together?  
He turns his head, turning it to the middle-aged man sitting right next to him.  
-6 years of marriage but totally almost 11yeras  
Dean answers in a gentle indistinct voice. Everything was spinning around his head and his sight turned blurry. He excuses the crowed, finding his way out of there. His hasty steps weren’t helping him either. So, he opts to stay in the middle of the staircase, sitting there in stillness. The empty hole inside him was aching painfully, and suddenly, he was numb all over again.  
He could hear a footstep getting close to him, assuming it’s Benny. The good thing about him was that he never asked what, or why. He always just sat beside him, listening to his silence.  
When the meeting time came along, Dean was roaming around the room aimlessly. For once he was stressed and he had no idea why. Dean wanted to let his guard down this time, he wanted to spill out but every instinct of his being was stopping him.  
Sam came with the usual frustrated look on his face. He flings a file in front of Dean, telling him to take a look at it. Dean picks it up reluctantly. As he went unintendedly through the pages, everything seemed more substantial to him. Before reaching the final page he closes the file and tosses it on the table in front of him. He knew what was waiting for him there and he wasn’t ready to face it yet. Or ever. He shakes his right leg nervously, avoiding any eye contact with his brother.  
-you need to talk  
-I’ll talk in the court  
Dean leave the room without saying another word, or waiting for a respond. He has a smile on his face, his eyes shining like the bright sun. His torture was almost done. He was almost home.  
“Cas, I wish you were here. It’s so cold and I don’t know what to do. It’s all your fault. You made me a damn spoiled princess. Cas I wish you were here. So I could put my head on your shoulder and the sound of your breaths would twist like a lullaby in my ears. And you would talk about how worried you are about the flowers in your office. Sometimes I feel like you love them more than me. You’re always upset when they don’t flower like they did last spring. I remember once you cried when your secretary burned your favorite plant. You’re such a fuss you know that? But I still love you. And we could spend the whole night watching the old crappy cowboy movies, and I know you never liked them, but you never complained, and I love you for that, I’ll always love you.  
It’s so cold here Cas. I wish you were here.”  
*  
After a week that Dean was finally home at midnight. Every single light was turned off but he could see the slender glimpse that was coming out of Cas’ workroom.  
He decided to take a shower first, and when he was done and all dressed up, he went straight to the kitchen to eat something. His hair was still a little damp and some water tears were dropped on his forehead.  
His heart skipped when he saw the untouched apple pie in there. His lips stretch to a bittersweet smile. He grabs a piece and eats the whole of it with one bite. It tasted like heaven. Not that he knew what actually heaven tastes like but deep down he knew it’s close to it.  
The time he closes refrigerator’s door, his eyes meet Cas’. He was looking directly at him with an empty gaze. Cas breaks the eye contact, changing his direction to their bedroom. Dean turns to him, grabbing his arm so he would stop. And when he does Dean’s mind goes blank. He wanted to say he’s sorry. But it wasn’t enough. It never was. It will never be.  
Cas wheels his head to him, looking straight into his eyes. Dean lets his arm go, bits his lower lip, and exhales sharply.  
-you wanted to say something?  
Dean’s heart drop. He moves his lips but words were too desperate to come out of his mouth.  
-I missed you  
Cas lets out a sarcastic laugh which was a dagger in Dean’s chest. He swallows heavily. Their big hall seemed like the smallest place in the world. He could feel the drugs taking over him. His demons were about to rise.  
-you’re going to leave me aren’t you?  
The more he spoke, the crack of his voice could be felt more. Cas lingers there, watching Dean for several minutes, without answering, or any feelings in his eyes.  
-you’re the one who left and now you’re suing me for leaving you?  
Cas leaves to their room without waiting for an answer. Dean watches his trace as he faded away. He closes his eyes, standing in the middle of the hall, as the drugs were rushing into his veins.  
He takes his steps hastily to the bedroom and he slams the door open, standing close to the door frame.  
Cas jumps of the sound, turning his face to Dean. Dean rushes to him furiously, looking directly as Cas’ blues. They were angry, and full of vain.  
-you can’t leave me you understand? You can leave me  
He shouts out loud his second sentence. And when he was breathing heavily out of anger, Jack’s crying sound made both their head turn to the direction. Cas is the one who leaves first, and when he reaches to Jack, hugging him is the first thing he does, robbing his hand in his back, whispering lullaby in his ears. Dean leans on the door, watching them with a grieving smile.  
When Jack sleeps, Cas returns him back to his bed, making sure he’s covered in blankets. As he was exciting the room, Dean whirls back to him immediately, trying to pull back the tears in his eyes.  
-you know I love you right?  
Cas looks at him with the most tormenting gaze Dean had ever seen from him. They spend some time in silence. Dean was praying. He had already lost enough. He wasn’t ready to lose more.  
-go sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow  
-take me  
He could feel the warmth of tears on his cheeks. Cas edges near to Dean, putting his hand on the back of Dean’s neck, brushing his lips between his eyebrows.  
Dean leans on Cas, melting in the kiss. He couldn’t get a grip of his tears. Cas’ arms were around him, and Dean’s head was buried in his neck.  
-I’m so sorry  
He mumbles among his whip. His body trembling in Cas’ embrace. Cas utters a harsh sigh, robbing his fingertips in Dean’s hair.  
-I know, it’s ok, we’ll work this out


	4. Chapter 4

Sirens could be heard louder each second, people were whispering, a baby’s crying could be heard, and everywhere was red. Lifeless bodies were reclining on the ground, the last thing he could remember was two oceans draining in front of his eyes, and he was too worn out to save them. He was kneeling on the ground, eyes shut, his mind covered in a blank hole. He could hear somebody calling his name in distance. He could hear screams. He could feel his soul leaving his body.  
The floor was completely reddened. He had never seen this much red at on place in his life before. The only thing he could feel was his trembling limbs. The baby was still crying.”

The food there was nourishing. Actually way better than Dean had anticipated or heard before, or seen in the movies. They alter their sit next to the poker group. Benny spend the most of the time messing with them so his breakfast was turned cold.  
Dean stands silence and decides to listen. He didn’t feel like talking much. Today was the last time he could see his brother before the trial, and they were going to say farewell.  
Despite his eagerness to brush aside everything that was happening around him, as each night passed, his nightmares were becoming more vivid. Now he could utterly remember everything that had happened. But he wasn’t going to talk about it, or even think about it.  
“put your hands where I can see them.. now stand up and come with us.. Dean Winchester you’re under arrest for murder.. everything that you say will be used against you in court”  
Dean was early as always, and Sam punctual as usual. Basically they had nothing to talk about, there was nothing left. This time, they were more like brothers. It had been long since Dean actually felt the brotherhood between them. Sam seemed like he cried all his way to there. Dean couldn’t understand why Sam wasn’t as happy as the guys back there. He couldn’t pick out why his brother wasn’t content.  
They sat there in peace, only the sound of their breaths could be heard. Dean was smoking and Sam’s head was dropped down. In a trice Sam reaches to Dean and grabs him in his arms. Dean tossed the cigarette away and puts his arms around his brother. He could feel Sam shivering, and he also could hear his sobs.  
-it’s gonna be ok Sammy  
Sam doesn’t stop. In fact now he was sobbing harder, despite of his desperate effort to stop.  
The separate but still standing close. Dean could feel Sam was trying to say something, and he needed time to find the right words.  
-Jack’s gonna be safe with us  
Dean smiles wildly. Now, the small distress deep down in his heart was gone, he was at ultimate peace.  
“this is not you Dean..thi..s..is..not..you”  
His cellmates had planned a small goodbye party for him there. Despite there was no food or alcohol it turned out to be super fun. Dean sat there most of the time, watching others as they trash talked each other and laughed at their stupid dad jokes. At the end, everybody, even the ones Dean had never talked to, gave him a swift snug hug. Benny was the last one, and he managed to hold him a bit longer than anyone else did.  
“Cas remember our wedding day? You’ve always been a drama queen about it. You didn’t sleep for two days and I had to use Charlie’s make up stuff to cover the black under your eyes. But it was beautiful. Honestly? It was the most beautiful things I have ever seen, or felt. We were at the beach, and it was sunset. I still don’t know why you chose Miami. But I’m so glad you did. I still remember everything we promised each other at the altar. I remember I was crying when you looked me into eyes and told me you’ll never ever let me go. Even though I’ve always known that you wouldn’t, but that time was different. You promised me in front of everybody. You made me feel like the luckiest person in the world. You’ve never failed me at making me proud of myself to be yours. Even when the sun went down I could still see the brightness of hope in you ocean eyes. And they pierced through my whole being, and every moment I felt more lost in you. You taught me as long as we’re together there’s nothing for us to worry about. You taught me as long as I believe in us nothing, not even the gods above could separate the two of us. And now Cas, I’m not afraid of anything. Because I know you’ll still hold me when I’ve got nothing but my aching soul. And I know you’ll always wait for me on the other side. And every time that I feel lonely, or left out, I just let your memory dance in the ballroom of my mind. And in a flash, the whole dread is washed away, and I love you for that. I’ll always love you.  
I would never thought fall would be this biting. I wish you were here.”  
“Sirens were still shouting. But no one was talking anymore. Even the baby had stopped crying. He could himself being moved by some men, they were saying him things, but he was so out of garden he couldn’t hear a single word. He was too dazed. He couldn’t remember anything but those oceans that were draining, losing their lives in front of his eyes.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's the last chap. I just wanted to thank everyone who read this so far. hope you enjoyed it<3

There was a heavy rain outside. And the thunder storm could be heard alongside it. Dean thought it’s strange for a September in Lebanon. But that day not even the leaden sky couldn’t take his contentment away.  
He wasn’t normally a morning person. But that day he was so aroused that he could barely have a proper sleep the previous night.  
It didn’t take them long till they got to courthouse. Two wardens escorted him into the building. Sam was waiting in the hallway. They greeted each other in quietness, without saying anything.  
All of a sudden Dean could feel the rush of blood to his head. All the elation he had minutes ago was vanished into thin air. Anxiety was taking all over him. He wasn’t ready as he used to be. But he wasn’t planning on bailing either. It’s not a thing he would ever do.  
The courtroom was smaller than he expected. It was designed with stale dark wooden material. The jury was consist of both man and woman who seemed to be in their middle ages. Dean was wondering how they got there. It was a pouring rain outside. So it must’ve been very hard for them. He was thinking of apologizing to them later.  
When the judge entered the room, everybody stood up for a respectful salute. He was kind of old, with grey hair. Dean supposed he didn’t have haircut for so long. He was going to look like Sammy in no time.  
He laughs at his own thoughts. After they were dismissed, everybody sat down at their places. Dean’s eyes were circulating aimlessly. His heart never pounded this fast. Judge was talking to his counselors. And once, they were done.  
-introduce yourself to the jury son  
Dean freezes for a short moment. Trying to gather his head up. He holds up shaking, eyes narrowly meeting the judge’s.  
-m..my name is Dean Winchester-Novak. Sam..  
He narrows to his brother who was sitting next to him with his brows, taking a deep breath.  
-is my brother. I am married to C..Castiel Novak and I have a two year old son called Jack.  
“I remember you always told me after you fall in love there’s no such thing as ‘I’ or ‘me’. Because when you commit your heart to somebody, you’re willing to share every piece of your soul. Each laugh, each despair. All of them are meant to make the bond stronger. That’s why people are meant to be together. That’s what makes people differ from each other. Once you give your heart to someone, you’re not yourself anymore. And that’s what love means. The utter compound of individuality into solidarity. You said if we go down so we’ll go down together. There’s no holding back. There’s no giving up. Cause we’re always better together. We have always been.”  
-we got married six years ago in the sunset of Miami, beside Pacific Ocean. Cas always loved oceans. He even had them in his eyes. Everybody was there. Every single person in the family we had built ourselves, since none of us were on good terms with our real families… your honor, when I was a child my mom told me angels are watching over me. She died in fire that night. So that was the start of my disbelief in every damn thing. Our father left so I had to become a father at age four, to raise my little brother, and I did a pretty good job actually. Your honor but he was the one who taught me what being alive genuinely means. He reminded me of who I really am. He showed me how to breathe.  
“I always hated the time you were away. I know you kept calling me constantly so I won’t feel your absence even when were parted miles away. You always called at night, and listened to me nagging for one straight hour about hell and heaven, and then you would wait for me to pass out on our bed. Sometimes you would read one of the poems you wrote me, which is my favorite lullaby. But nights without you are brutally cold. I don’t know why you insisted on having a king-sized bed. Not that I don’t like it, but whenever you weren’t in there to share it with me it felt like a wormhole that was swallowing me, like I was drowning. It’s so numbing outside Cas. I wish you were here.”  
-your honor.. he chuckles, dropping his head down for a short moment… I’ve always known deep down in my heart that I’m the one who’s gonna mess everything up. But I didn’t do anything you honor. He said it himself. It wasn’t me. If he was here he would tell you.  
He was wailing, tears were streaming down his face. His chest was so heavy that words couldn’t come out of his mouth anymore. The whole room was filled up with the sound of his sniffs.  
\- Mr Winchester have you ever been to rehab?  
-yes your honor. Twice  
-when was the first time?  
\- seven years ago  
-when was the last time?  
\- three month ago your honor  
\- can you please tell us a bit more?  
He stalls, without answering. In fact he had nothing to say. And he was hoping the judge would understand that. It wasn’t a thing he really wanted to talk about it. It was the part of his life he was ready to give everything so it could vanish.  
-Mr Winchester were you at second of July this year?  
When Dean heard the date, he figured it happened near fourth of July, and he had missed their annual plans with his friends and family. Suddenly. Guilt started to run all over his body.  
Sam stands up. Gets a bit close to Dean. Dean had stopped crying, and we was ready to talk again. He didn’t need anybody’s help. He knew what he was doing.  
He trains Sam to go back to his place with eyes, and Sam does as he told tentatively.  
-I was at a bar with my friend your honor  
-where were you at 11pm that night?  
He takes a deep breath, exhaling it sharply. It was time. He tried so hard to scape it. But it came back to him.  
-I… I went home .. and I was drunk .. and high  
He bites his lower lip, gathering all the courage he had left inside.  
-I couldn’t think straight .. there was this man .. and .. he had a tool box, they were standing next to each other .. so .. close .. they shouldn’t have been that close  
He squeezes his eyes. It was like it was raining right above him. His uncontrolled tears were falling endlessly.  
-I .. I have always been who did the repairing in the house .. we never had someone do it for us .. but I was gone your honor. I was long gone  
“You never believed in happy endings. You have always said happy endings are for the storied that are not finished yet. You were so pessimistic Cas. And honestly? Sometimes it freaked me out. But then when I told you about my fear, you said it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t keep fighting for us. That we should try our best not to fall apart. And that’s the beauty of life. That makes life livable. And no one out there really cares that you’re broken. So we gotta stick together as tight as possible. And I should always remember to not expect anything from anyone, and that’s the first step to happiness. You taught me how to put my heart where it belongs. But Cas, my heart has always been safe with you. And I love you for that. I’ll always love you.”  
They were all dismissed and judges left for the final decision, and juries companied them.  
Dean was sitting there in complete serenity. He knew what was coming for him. But he was content with it. As a matter of fact, he was pleased deep down.  
Mr Dean Winchester-Novak you’re sentenced to severe punishment for attempting murder of Castiel Novak and Roy Hollond. You’re retribution with take place at next dawn.  
“I wish I could write you. To say how much you mean to me. I know I always tell you in person, but I’ve seen from movies what letters do to people. They’re like a sealed certificate for devotion. I wish I could learn. Bur every time I tried all I had in my head was my wordless essay about my feelings for you. You said I should take it easy, to let it go. Once I start, the flow would take me with itself, and at the end I’ll find myself in the endless world of words. And when I’m done, it’s like a burden has been taken off of my shoulders. I’ve always been an over thinker. Sometimes I would do it on purpose, so you would put your arms around me and tuck me into your embrace. We would stay up all night till dawn breaks, and when the morning light penetrated through the window at us, you would give me forehead kiss. Tell me everything will be ok, it doesn’t matter how much it takes time, our much of you would be left in the end. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine.”

*

A slight glimpse of light was puncturing through the jammed clouds. The weather was damp, and the streets was empty of people. Crows were croaking, sitting on the weirs.  
“It’s all a matter of seconds. Like jumping off a cliff. Once you decide to jump, there’s no coming back from that. And when you’ve finally reached your destination, you’re redeemed, you’re free of yourself. All you have to do is counting.. one .. two .. three” 

A man was hanged by himself, cause when they raised had head, he had a smile on it. His face was shining. People thought it’s because he’s in heaven.

Crows were still croaking, clouds were collided, a heavy rain was about to start.


End file.
